The Rollercoaster: Life Without Safewords

i have written before about this topic, and will no doubt return to it again. Kink without safewords is – understandably – a controversial and fairly niche topic that is often misunderstood and stigmatised. If i’m going to open my life up to public view to try to beat down stigma around kink then this is a sticky topic that needs some attention. If consent is the foundation all kink must be built on, then people who choose to modify how consent works need to be willing to explain that. Not because the intricacies of how i fuck and play and live are anyone else’s concern, but because the ever flowing tide of kink newbies will never stop – and nor would we want it to – and awareness of what options exist, the risks, the pleasures, and the controversies, need to be accessible and understood.

i wouldn’t necessarily say that i advocate for play without safewords – not for anyone other than myself at any rate. But i do not condemn it or warn against it either – and, if i’m honest, my frustration at those who do is why i’m back on this particular soap box. “Kink without safewords is abuse” says someone, “if you can’t revoke consent it’s rape” says someone else. There is an unpleasant irony that the people who squawk the loudest about consent are often happy to disregard mine, a person in a happy relationship who has consented to things that they do not like or understand. And i don’t mean consented in a passive, apathetic sense, going along with the imposed standards of a Dominant. The relinquishing of my autonomy, rights, freedoms and, yes, my consent, has been a highly sub-led negotiation process between myself and a Dominant who started this process with less experience and knowledge in the field of total power exchange.

So, this is maybe partly a rant – a resistance against those who seek to sanitise and tame the world of BDSM and push the weirdos out to the fringes or out entirely. Because in this community for the strange and the perverse, the old bullshit of “why can’t you just be normal” is alive and well. But i hope too that this is a guide through wild and rocky terrain for those who want to walk it, or who want to survey the paths to make an informed choice about whether this is where their appetites lead. i suspect, for most, it will not be. my relationship with my own consent is not a typical one, but it is mine. One of very few things i hold onto as my own in a life centred around the willing and joyful erosion of my autonomy.

When i started my relationship with Mx in 2023 i had a safeword. Casual play without safewords isn’t my preference – though there are people who do that too and if you’re here to support my choice but not theirs i am not on your side. W/we used the traffic light system – and W/we used it, i have never called red (for a hard stop, fully ending the scene) with Mx but as They learned to read my reactions (and i adapted to Their ability to hit like a fucking truck) i used yellow (for a pause and check in, usually to ask to change activity or reduce intensity) in more scenes than i didn’t. Safewords were just one of many ways W/we communicated – chats during aftercare about what W/we had both enjoyed and any issues, pre-scene negotiations talking about what W/we wanted to include, mid-scene check ins even without using a safeword – “how does that feel?” from Them or “that area really hurts” from me. Safeword or no safeword, plain language is still useful.

And during that time, and during all time in O/our relationship, W/we talked about my relationship with my own consent.

i don’t like it. That’s the short answer. i like rape play more than any other kind of sex, i like impact play to make me genuinely cry, i like to feel impending dread before a scene more than excitement or desire. i sometimes try to downplay that, still, out of lingering shame. Because all of that is consensual – rape play is not rape, impact play is not assault, and the sanitised, PR friendly way of explaining it is that it’s just a game. But for them to work for me there is a paradox – i do need them to be consensual, but in the moment i need them to really, really feel not. i need distance between me and my consent, and in the moments where i hate everything that’s happening to me and am desperate for it to stop – that’s when the tight, anxious places in my head snap and unravel and i float away. That’s my happy place.

Why? Oh, fuck me, i don’t know. Call a psychologist or ten. Ask me about my childhood trauma, there’s probably something to that – but also, all evidence points to kink not being particularly influenced by trauma, so who knows. my religious upbringing might be a better place to point the finger – good girls say no, and i grew up into a sinful enby but i sure as fuck love to say no. i can scream it if you like. Cry a little too. i don’t need to know why my own enthusiastic yes makes me drier than the Sahara to know that it does. The cause might matter if i wanted to change it – but i don’t, and i’m not convinced i could. i know i wasted two decades of my life trying, and then decided i’d like to start having functional relationships and orgasms with my partners instead.

Now just because i want to put some distance between myself and my consent doesn’t mean it’s not important. Safety – that’s important too. Chasing the illusion of violation can easily cross into actual violation, even if unintentionally. And, if unintentional, that would also be incredibly traumatic for Mx – even at the lighter end in O/our early experiments with CNC (consensual non-consent) play, Mx had some big, complex, even messy feelings to confront and work through. They like this style of play and relationship too, very much – it fulfils Them just as it fulfils me. But it’s a huge thing to reckon with, that inner darkness and those violent desires. i find that beautiful – i find Them beautiful – but it’s breaking taboos and it’s letting O/ourselves get ugly too. So, W/we started slow, W/we started cautious. Safewords remained until almost a year into O/our relationship and there was plenty of space within that to play in the ways that W/we craved.

So, if W/we were having fun with safewords then why go that step further? If i could scream no, and beg Them to stop, and be hurt and used in all the ways i love to hate then why take away that emergency stop?

The answer is simple – i always knew it was there. Bleeding, crying, shaking and afraid, red floated in my head. Not as something i ever really wanted to say – but as an option. A question. Do you want this, or do you want out? my brain asked. Can you really handle this, or would you like a break? Each time i mentally answered that question i was reaffirming consent. It didn’t necessarily take anything away from the scene as a whole but headspaces can be really fragile. i wouldn’t feel less submissive, and the scene wouldn’t feel less intense, but i would feel less mindful – less present within it. That internal war pulled me to the past negotiation and the future point where it would be over, and reminded me it was just a game when i needed it to feel raw and real. The effect of that was that my ability to be pushed to extremes was lessened – my pain threshold dropped, my desire to suffer reduced. Those first ten months of play were still mind blowing and incredible, but i was taunted by the knowledge that there were depths available to U/us that were not yet reached. i wanted to dive to them, disappear into them, and find out how much more there was in the dark below.

W/we talked about it. A lot. Mx wanted it too – though in, i think, a less fundamental way than me. Perhaps because i’d experienced it before and knew it suited me, perhaps because the desire to be ethically violated will always run a little stronger than the desire to ethically violate someone else – that ethically bit is stickier and scarier to navigate from the top. So, as the sensible and more risk aware of U/us, Mx suggested some exceptions. At Their discretion, Mx could give me back my safeword – They’ve used this very rarely, when trying something new – and at events i would still have access to the house safeword of that event. That one is partly for managing the risk of O/our play upsetting others or being interrupted because it’s perceived as non-consensual, and partly because the alternative is unenforceable. If i decide to call red in public, They can’t just ignore it even if W/we both wish They could.

W/we talked through risk, because there is risk, there’s no doubt of that. W/we practice risk aware consensual kink (known as RACK) and so don’t consider it mandatory for anything W/we do to be fully 100% safe. Really, is anything? But knowing the risks and taking reasonable steps to reduce them is important. For U/us to cross the line of removing safewords, W/we had to have a high level of mutual trust, honesty, and high quality communication. Mx needs to know that i will tell Them – without a safeword, but with all the other words at my disposal – how i’m feeling. Illnesses and injuries need to be communicated to Them, if i’m struggling with something, if i’m feeling unhappy, stressed, or – gods forbid – traumatised in a way that lingers outside play, They need to know. And equally if They are struggling and feeling guilt, shame, or any discomfort then i need to know. i need to know They’re comfortable with how W/we work together because for all that i crave this level of CNC, i don’t crave it at the expense of my partner’s sanity.

Mx being able to read me well was an important prerequisite. In the early days it was hard for Them to tell the difference in my reactions between good pain, bad pain (that i wanted, or at least wanted to not want), and really bad pain (that i didn’t). W/we didn’t remove my safewords until W/we had a long clear stretch of Mx riding that line where i was suffering but not beyond what i could bear – not even wanting to safeword out. Now, that doesn’t mean They can’t push me – They can and i encourage Them to. But it must be intentional. If i am experiencing something i wish i could stop and am in genuine distress They must be able to see that to make an informed decision on when to push and when to ease off. If They don’t know, They can’t control it. Demonstrating that ability to me laid the foundation for me to fully put my consent into Their hands.

W/we created the contract for O/our relationship in September 2024, and this was when W/we officially removed my right to safeword (unless in one of the situations with exceptions that i mentioned), as well as my right to revoke consent in any other way unless due to a breach of contract by Mx. This is O/our first contract, with a twelve month term to prompt U/us to review it thoroughly before signing again. It does allow for revisions mid-term, at Mx’s discretion but to be initiated by either of U/us. And so far, neither of U/us have any complaints.

i believe one of the great pleasures of kink is this opportunity it creates to design a totally bespoke relationship around the desires of two (or more) people. And really, of course, every relationship should be like that – not the sudden unpredictable sexual violence, i mean, but the customisability. A good relationship shouldn’t work like a package holiday, it should be as unique as the people within it. How you communicate, how you express love, how you are intimate, your shared values, your goals, how you define family and what kind of family you build and become, these are the things that make or break you. These are the things that must be yours – not your parents’ or society’s or something you saw on TV. Kink, well, it just expands the options. More forms of intimacy, more layers of communication, and, of course, more to talk about when it comes to consent. Where a more one-size-fits-all consent model might work pretty well for most, in kinky relationships it is sometimes necessary to question how consent is defined between you – and then to bend or break those models to fit your needs. i picked apart a popular consent model, FRIES, for exactly that reason, in this post: Waffles and FRIES.

And remember – safewords and consent are not one and the same. i’ve talked a lot about both because they’re so linked and tangled up with each other, and for me the desire to get rid of safewords is strongly linked to my need to disconnect from awareness of my consent. But just as getting rid of safewords alone wouldn’t achieve that goal, getting rid of safewords does not get rid of a million other ways to communicate about consent. i gave up my safeword, not all of my words. i wrote about this more in this post: Mercy. In O/our dynamic my feedback and my distress are signals for Mx to choose how to respond to – but the absence of a safeword doesn’t necessarily mean the inability to revoke consent. Unless specifically agreed otherwise “no, stop, i don’t like that” also means… well, exactly that. Most vanilla couples are managing just fine with those. In O/our case, “no, stop, i don’t like that” is usually a sign i’m having a good time – but “i have a migraine” or “You’re hitting my spine there please be careful” can be taken literally and used by Mx to make responsible choices. W/we have chosen to move from a consent model focused around me saying “yes” or “no” to a modified model of consent where Mx makes all the decisions – but with the heavy responsibility of making sure those decisions are risk aware, and focused on my needs and wellbeing. There is not less consent going on, it’s just been outsourced.

And no safewords doesn’t necessarily mean no limits either. Now, i have previously had a no limits relationship and i’m not closed off to the possibility of my relationship with Mx developing in that direction in the future, but it’s also not something i feel a driving need to chase. No limits is another horribly misunderstood area of kink, not helped at all by the number of inexperienced and very naive people who describe themselves as having no limits because they simply haven’t begun to imagine the horrors they could be subjected to by someone who takes that at face value. No limits, in the context of a well negotiated total power exchange relationship, does not mean that anything and everything can or should be done. It is, like so many things, about a transfer of authority. A responsible Dominant will know what the submissive partner would set as their hard and soft limits. They will know the consequences to the submissive’s wellbeing if those things are done. And they will choose, using their judgement, whether those boundaries should be pushed. It’s not for everyone and it takes enormous trust. Like many elements of heavier D/s and M/s relationships it is challenging, intense, but when approached correctly by experienced and responsible people it can be very rewarding. But it is entirely possible to play with very heavy CNC and still have limits. my hard limits are listed in the same document as O/our rules and i can add or remove things from that list any time i choose. This is an extra safety feature that makes sense to U/us for now, and if Mx was to inflict something on me that i’ve specifically listed as a hard limit that would be one of the vanishingly few ways They could actually violate my consent.

Having no safeword, no limits, no right to revoke consent, or all of the above – none of these things means “go nuts, just fuck me up”. They are an expression of trust, a willingness to surrender control to someone you have elevated to the status of your personal God. They are, in my view, some of the purest expressions of love. Love as a form of madness, an all consuming desire to belong to someone, to serve, to disappear into Them and become nothing but what They create – a disappearing, and in reward an expansion. Because when you are the plaything of a God what could be more perfect? To be Their most treasured possession, to be Their tool, the recipient of Their divine will?

See, i told you it was madness.

So let’s lose the religious imagery. Let’s think about a rollercoaster. Funnily enough, i don’t like rollercoasters. i’m terrified of heights and hate the sensation of going too fast. But the thing is, i think i could go on one quite happily as long as i could get off when i’d had enough. My relationship with rollercoasters is the opposite of my relationship with kink – where most peoples’ relationships with rollercoasters is actually pretty damn much CNC with no safeword. You consent to getting on the thing – pay your money and get in line, and even up to the point where you’re in your seat you could still change your mind and get out. But once that ride starts, love it or hate it, you’re on it til the end. And we accept that – we don’t call that abuse or self harm, we don’t question people’s sanity or ask them about their childhood. It’s ok for people to consent to something they might hate, might be scared of, or might love every up and down and wild thrill. We let them choose. We trust ourselves to take that step – to strap in for the ride of your life and leave it all to trust.