kirizal

Trial and Error: Starting Out in Kink

i’m pretty sure i’m going to a huge brat. It’s the day of my first ever Proper Kinky Hookup and i’m hovering nervously in my hallway wearing something black and shiny that i know he’ll like. i know for sure i’m going to like the rough, degrading sex. i don’t know yet how much i’ll…More

The Mirror

i’ve gained some weight. It’s 2023, so it’s been about eighteen months since i got sick and never got better. Eighteen months since twenty mile walks turned into five turned into spending two days in bed if i have to go into the office. It’s been a messy breakup and then a new relationship –…More

The Flavour of Pain

i’m twenty-six and i’m off my face. It’s still the era of drugs are fun, before they start ruining my life, but we’re entering the era of “uh, kirizal, this was meant to be a chill tuesday night hangout, why are you doing pills and ket?” The red flags before the inevitable crisis, but i’m…More

Getting Fixed

Mx is at work today and They get up first while i stretch lazily out across the full bed. i’m off work until Thursday, and the tiredness in my bones and the bloated feeling in my belly tells me i’m still healing and still need it, but i feel better. i last took painkillers at…More

Knowing

A couple of years ago, i made the decision to stay friends with a rapist. It was a decision i immediately regretted, and within a few months i ended that friendship and all association with that person. i’ve never written about it, and have struggled to talk about it except with my closest people. i…More

Dynamic: Constant Change, Activity, or Progress

It’s O/our monthly check-in looking back over October 2024, and Mx is doing Their distinctive worried-and-overthinking face. W/we’re discussing play and events from the last month, and those are very thin on the ground. That might not have freaked Them out so much, except the notes from O/our September check-in say much the same. It’s…More

Bimbo In Progress

It’s dark and quiet when Mx unlocks my ankle chain that restricts my range of movement to the bedroom and bathroom. They don’t need to get up for another hour and They’re half asleep as the lock clicks open and the chain clinks, sliding to the floor in the low light. i don’t start work…More

Exposed

Mx is visibly terrified in the car. i’d always thought “going pale” was just a hyperbolic expression but no, They’re definitely a different colour. Their hands grip the steering wheel tight. “Relax,” i say. “There’s no pressure. W/we’ll go, see some pals, eat some cake. Maybe watch some play. You don’t have to hit me…More

Mercy

“Today I want you to find a ten minute porn video that you like and send it to Me by the time I finish work.” That’s five hours away. my stomach drops and i nod miserably. my brain immediately starts up a cacophony on loop, overlapping noise of “i can’t do this. i’m not ready.…More

Start With a Bang

On New Year’s Day i sleep in until 11am and potter downstairs yawning. Mx is already awake and sipping coffee in the kitchen and i join Them, roll and light two cigarettes (one for Them, obviously – i don’t smoke two at a time unless i’m very drunk) and lounge against the counter as i…More