The Quiet Ones

Last week, W/we started a podcast. A podcast has been something that people in the comments section of my Tiktok have been asking for for the last three years, probably the most common comment i get (second only to “you need therapy” when i go viral on the wrong side of that cursed app), but actually getting it out of vague conceptual clouds in my brain and into a real, workable idea took time. Getting Mx on board as a co-host was not something i expected to ever be an option, but They surprised me by agreeing to a trial of two recording sessions, and then surprised me even more by being up for continuing after that. They even sit with me while i edit, managing not to cringe too hard at hearing Their recorded voice back and making helpful suggestions like “can you cut out some of my ‘kind of’s please, there’s three in that sentence.”

And the response has blown U/us both away. In the first twenty-four hours over a thousand of you listened to the first episode, with the second not far behind. You gave us five star ratings, you shared links, you liked the promo posts, you did all the things to set U/us up for an amazing and very much appreciated first week. And of course, you left U/us comments – so many i’ve struggled to keep up with them!

Both of U/us were excited (and Mx, also terrified) to see what you thought of Their contribution – They’ve been a mystery for the last two years, avoiding the camera aside from occasional glimpses of the back of Their head and never speaking while i’ve been filming except for the video of me securing Oasis tickets last year where They can be heard absolutely losing Their mind behind the camera (and asking “how much is it?” only for me to answer “don’t worry about that, Mx” with Their credit card in my hand.) And you all seem to like Them – which is excellent news because i do too, and i do not have a backup option for co-host!

One thing that has come up in a lot of the comments has been surprise that Mx was not how many people expected Them to be. Lots of people were surprised to hear that They’d been nervous, and others were surprised how close and loving O/our relationship clearly is. A couple of people i’ve spoken to were surprised to hear that in many areas, i was the more experienced one and had taken a lead in developing some areas of O/our dynamic. One person confessed to having expected a Dominant to be arrogant or mean, and another admitted that they hadn’t expected to like Mx, but did. Just to reassure those commenters if they’re reading this (hi!) neither of U/us were offended at all – quite the opposite! Because that is such a common expectation of how a Dominant or Sadist will be – and a big part of what W/we want to do is show the reality that beneath the surface of even the heaviest dynamics and most extreme play is human beings seeking connection and intimacy in authentic ways. If W/we have shown a new perspective on what dominance looks like only two episodes in, then W/we’re on track!

Because those expectations and stereotypes don’t come from nowhere. There is plenty of representation of dominance as a loud, aggressive, and all consuming trait. From Fifty Shades of Grey and booktok boyfriends, to 2014 Tumblr Doms, the Fetlife fantasists and a whole internet of kinky porn, dominance is often shown as arrogant and toxic, or at least hovering on the borders of it. Some of these examples are fiction, some are real people, but none really show the behaviour of what i consider to be a good (or even particularly typical) Dominant – often the loudest voices are not the most representative. It’s the quiet ones you want to look to. Out of all the kink representation in the media, i’d say Secretary comes closest to getting it right with its own original Mr Grey. He has his moments of stereotypical Domly Dom arrogance, poor communication, and emotional unavailability for sure. But he’s also anxious, reserved, and often quiet – traits i often associate with Dominants in reality. He struggles with guilt and shame, something i think any Sadist with a moral compass has likely found themselves bumping up against at times as they wade into the darker parts of their soul.

There’s that other stereotype, the one about submissives. How it’s all CEOs and people in other high pressure, high responsibility jobs who just want to switch off and let someone else (probably a woman in leather) make all the decisions. That isn’t really accurate either but it’s not without a grain of truth. Most submissives i know, while not CEOs, are people who tend towards extroversion, confidence, and independence in our day to day lives. Often we do have a lot of responsibilities, and like to stay busy. Submission provides a space for us to shed some of the downsides of that personality type – to switch off, unwind, and unburden. In much the same way, i suspect dominance might draw people whose natural tendency is to withdraw from their own power in day to day life. Those who struggle to accept praise for their accomplishments find it more palatable when it comes in the form of a naked submissive kissing their feet. Those who find it challenging to take up space and command respect find the confidence to do that and more when it’s one on one with a trusted partner. i’m no psychologist but it’s not hard to see how kink is often driven by subversion – creating magic bubbles of reality to nurture parts of yourself that are harder to access, to play in parts of yourself that you avoid or fear, to remake the larger social hierarchies and systems of oppression into something you can control, or turn on their heads, or rip to pieces. Life is big and kink makes it bite sized. Maybe that’s what makes the quiet Sadist, the shy Dominant. Or maybe it’s all just random chance.

Dominance is, i think, a balance between what is inherent and what is performed. Authentic, strong (and not to gatekeep, but also arguably “true”) dominance is much more built on the inherent traits than on what they choose to perform. Newer and more inexperienced Dominants may feel the need to prove it more with those stereotypical behaviours, and the good ones calm down as they find their confidence in time. There are always a few who, even after enough years to know better, feel the need to attempt to dominate everyone in the room with them. They will usually be met with eye rolls, or just straight up upset and intimidate people with their toxic behaviour if they really overstep. That is what comes of the performance being out of balance – poorly contained and directionless without the firm grounding in the well channeled quiet confidence that comes with inherent dominance. It is the difference between commanding respect, and demanding it.

Because Mx gets anxious before events, is baffled and slightly alarmed by my Tiktok followers’ interest in Them, and tends to be quiet in group settings – but when it comes to Their ownership and management of me They have plenty of confidence. Moments of self doubt and criticism too, yes, because if you can take that level of authority in someone’s life without occasionally being terrified of the responsibility then you are very unusual! But when They give me a command it is not a question, it comes with no apology or doubt, it is a fixed point. The chain that tethers me to Them. When dominance is deeply inherent it does not need to be displayed in every moment, to every person. When it is performed, it is targeted, precise, and carries the weight of all that quiet confidence behind it. It is undeniable.

The same self confessed “sex nerd” who loves a spreadsheet and a check in with an agenda is the one who woke me one night with a hand over my mouth and Their cock forcing into me dry while i whimpered in a half asleep haze, used me like a piece of meat then shoved me back onto my side and went back to sleep without saying a word. The – as i often call Them – anxious dog in human form who went grey on the drive to Their first play event is the same person who pinned me to a picnic table and waterboarded me in the middle of a campsite. The caring partner who has held me while i cried over friendships ending, the death of a pet, and over sad songs and TV shows, is also the monster who snarls “that’s it, cry for Me” as They beat me bloody. The apparent contradiction is no contradiction at all – it’s balance. It’s the softness that creates the trust and the safe place to fall into when They break me, it’s the care that flavours Their leadership and direction, it’s the depth that takes the heat and passion of filthy, nasty kink and creates the layers where love and devotion live. For me to submit, a Dominant needs it all. i need to cuddle on the couch and sob on my knees, love loudly and fuck violently, be cared for and controlled. i need a whole person – a person who can be vulnerable, because that is not Their weakness – it is Their humanity.