A Submissive Act

There are lies my mind still tells me because they used to be true. “i can’t cum more than once,” for one. “It takes me ages to cum. It’s hard work to make me cum. i’m difficult and too much work and less desirable because i don’t work like a normal person.” The list goes on and on. And kneeling between my shaking thighs, Mx is tearing those lies to pieces.

W/we’re at a local play event – a little the worse for wear after a late night of drinking and dancing the night before – and Mx has planned something hot and simple. They fuck me with a variety of toys ranging from fun to ouch in size, They verbally degrade me, and They go down on me – which is my absolute favourite, even better than when They run out of sex toys and instead fuck me with a (luckily slim) baseball bat. The first orgasm comes fast, the second faster and with no warning. my mind is saying that this won’t work, it can’t work, i’m just not wired that way. And then it does, all at once with no warning, i’m stretched and torn and wet and needy, and i’m screaming loud enough i know that i’ll be audible in the bar. Cutting through the moans and sighs and giggles on every floor, i’m consumed by pleasure, deep in submission, nothing exists but Their mouth and Their hand on my thigh and the powerful spark of connection between U/us.

So, jump back to my twenties and early thirties – i didn’t like receiving oral. Depressing, i know. i never had an orgasm from it until about three years ago (apologies if you dated me and thought i did) and those first couple of times were hard work. Most of the time there was no issue with my partners’ skills – the issue was my headspace. i had – without being consciously aware of it – put giving oral squarely in the “submissive act” box.

i wasn’t ready to face the truth of my kink identity, but i knew i liked sex best when it made me feel used and useful. i liked giving oral just fine – that focus on a partner’s pleasure heightened my own, put me in a nice tingly headspace that i now recognise with hindsight as the very soft beginnings of subspace. Seeing a partner – a partner who i needed to be assertive, active, and a little rough even before i knew that what i needed was domination – focus entirely on me felt uncomfortable and like something between us had disconnected. It was too gentle – unless they were clumsy with their teeth, which i didn’t want either. It was too vanilla, even when all the sex i was having was vanilla. Being treated a little rough and dirty was the only outlet i had and that just didn’t translate well to receiving oral.

A lot of the time in kink communities there will be a post or a comment by a Dominant that draws ridicule – he (and it is, almost always, a he) will announce that he doesn’t give oral because it’s a submissive act and get absolutely dragged. And like yeah there’s often an element of misogyny in that view, there may well be laziness too and disregard of a partner’s pleasure. Things definitely worthy of criticism. But also people can set limits, consent applies even to slightly cringe Doms. And the feeling behind it is definitely one i can understand – that subconscious ick at seeing yourself or your partner doing something that feels in conflict with the roles you crave. But the solution, in my opinion, isn’t to close that door forever – it’s to reexamine what a submissive act is. What it looks like, what it feels like, what it means. Because the more you pull at those threads the more it all unravels and you gain the power to define it for yourself.

i didn’t have some wise and introspective revelation about oral sex that changed things for me. i had a partner who was stubborn and wanted to prove a point. That’s generally a bad vibe and if someone tells you “I don’t like that and can’t orgasm from it” saying “I can prove you wrong, I’m just that good” will probably end in them laughing in your face, not cumming on it. But in the context of our dynamic and the history she had of being genuinely helpful with some of my mental blocks around sex and pleasure, i let her have a go, and became more open minded in the process. Because i saw her as dominant, i couldn’t see anything she did as submissive. That arrogance in her insistence she could do what no one else had was hot in the context of our relationship. i think it’s fair to say it was a bigger job than she’d expected, and more trouble than it was worth, but she proved her point.

i figured it was a one off. That relationship ended and i didn’t expect it to happen again with anyone new – i was more open minded about trying, but not with high hopes. Then i had my first date with Mx and when W/we went to bed They immediately started heading down. i appreciated the intention. i liked that W/we were becoming more sexually focused – O/our earlier play had been pretty much pure impact which i love too but i wanted everything with Them. But They’d barely got to know what gets me off, W/we were almost strangers still, and i knew without a doubt that They might turn me on, might make me feel closer to Them, but They wouldn’t make me cum.

And then before i knew what was happening, before it had been anywhere near enough time for that to even be theoretically possible, my orgasm hit me like a fucking truck.

Another missing piece slotted into place with Mx. Oral wasn’t just a dominant act because a Dominant was doing it – They brought in roughness (as opposed to clumsiness which is very different) with intermittent bites to my thighs and breaks to slap me when i was at my most sensitive. They brought in control, forcing my legs open and pinning me in place. They shifted oral sex from something i received to something that was done to me, and everything changed.

This is not just a “Mx is great at eating pussy” brag post. Maybe a little bit. But that’s just one example of how nothing is really a dominant or submissive act – those are meanings we give to the things we do, and a feeling we create from how we do them. Kink is, in some ways, performance. It is also very, very real, but the ways we express it are often heightened and exaggerated to remind us of who we are within it.

That’s the purpose of protocol – or at least a major one. But what you view as a dominant behaviour and a submissive behaviour in protocol can vary wildly. When me and Mx were negotiating O/our early protocols W/we discovered W/we had a very different view on who should open doors. Mx saw opening the door as a dominant act – as Them taking care of Their submissive, emphasising Their control in the moment. It maybe drew on gender roles too – W/we’re both nonbinary, but traditionally masculine behaviour is associated with dominance because, you know, patriarchy. Playing with that when queer can be interesting. On the flip side, my kink background was all in service and a heavy M/s (Mistress/slave) dynamic. my view was that the submissive should open the door. Obviously, in my head. The idea of expecting a Dominant to use Their hands and Their energy to do something for me? Awful.

Mx was open to trying my way, and that’s how it’s been ever since. Neither of U/us was wrong, W/we just had a different angle on it, different context, different vibes.

There are so many examples. Financial kinks are a big one – where both giving and taking money can be submissive depending on context. Picture a nurturing Daddy Dom who works a well paid job, spoiling his princess with gifts and taking care of her every material need. Then, a Findom, firmly requiring tribute before so much as replying to a message.

In the same way, an act of care and an act of service can be the same basic action – fetching a drink, rolling a cigarette, pulling out a chair – but with subtly different implications. Even something like protectiveness – seen very much as the domain of Dominants – can be transformed into what i call “guard dog submission”, where a more confident or capable submissive protects and shields a more vulnerable Dominant.

Some of this comes down to personal preferences or needs. People can be influenced by a history of certain things being done a certain way, a long held fantasy, what people have seen in porn, at events, read in books… the list goes on. Sometimes it’s driven by practicalities – who has the higher income, who is stronger or fitter, does anyone in either role have a disability or health condition that limits what they can do or increases what they need? Kink, when it’s done well, is adaptable to our needs and our limitations.

Sometimes the shift can be driven by style of domination or submission. A person who identifies strongly with the role of slave will perhaps be less inclined to accept physical help with day to day tasks from a Dominant than someone who is specifically looking for a caregiver would. The way a Sadistic Dominant expresses their power will look and feel very different to a softer, more reward and pleasure focused Dominant. Dominance and submission have distinct flavours of their own which are sometimes hard to define but you know it when you see it.

Power, service, pain, money, gender roles, sex, strength, tears, rage… and many more. These are tools we play with, play off against each other, lean into, subvert, redefine and claim in the ways that make sense to us. And maybe the only definition of a truly submissive act is an action done by a submissive. The rest is context.