W/we had O/our first date a few days earlier, and for O/our second date Mx suggests a walk at Gibside. It’s November, so the skies are grey and the autumn leaves have become wet mush underfoot, giving way to ankle deep mud as W/we climb into the hills – there are prettier times of year to visit Gibside and the other beautiful places They’ll take me to but for me Gibside will always be painted in shades of slate and umber and perfect for it. W/we walk, and talk, and the beginnings of O/our dynamic forms in the damp woods with wet trainers and cold noses.
They tell me They like protocol, i tell Them i like what i’ve experienced of it but want to try more. They don’t like the term “slave” and i tell Them that i do, but i don’t need it. W/we talk about the why – They need my submission to feel willing and freely given, and i agree and talk about how being a slave doesn’t contradict that in my mind, it’s about the freedom to fully surrender autonomy to someone i choose. W/we respect each other’s perspectives, and it feeds my soul to talk the deep complexities of D/s and M/s with someone whose passion matches my own. W/we talk about consent, about consensual non-consent, and how there’s no one around and They could definitely rape me in the woods. They don’t. Don’t revoke O/our National Trust membership please, W/we were very well behaved.
W/we talk about what habits i need to break. Since my last dynamic ended a lot of my routine has gone to shit. i’m picking my skin again, i’m eating “snake meal” – one huge meal every couple of days, supplemented by chain smoking and energy drinks. Mostly i’m keeping my room clean, but i’m not as on top of things as i used to be. They tell me They want to focus on rules that help me as a priority – They like rules that improve a submissive’s life, They like protocol, and They like rules that are what They call “just because I can” rules – but those will come a little later.
O/our first rules are negotiated over the next few days and come to me in a shared note, just a handful of them. There’s protocol – i will address Them as Mx when asking or answering a direct question, i will open doors for Them (They initially proposed the opposite – and it’s another fascinating conversation about how the act of opening a door can be either a submissive, service based act, or a dominant, caregiving act depending on intention), and walk on the inside of the pavement. And there’s self care rules too – i will stop peeling my skin off, i will eat at least one proper meal a day, i will keep my bedroom clean, and i will start tracking how much i smoke. Limits on cigarettes will come, but the first two weeks are about finding out how bad it is. Up to fifty a day bad, turns out to be the answer.
Coming up to eighteen months later and the rules have developed – a lot. W/we’ve moved from a note to a two page document, along with a contract that governs O/our dynamic more generally and which is designed to be updated rarely, if ever. The rules are a living document that W/we discuss at O/our monthly check in as a minimum, and are frequently adjusted. The rules as they are now would have been too much at the start. Too much to remember, aside from anything else. But following these rules takes time, energy, and discipline – things i needed time to adjust to. Enforcing these rules also takes time, energy, and discipline – and a significant amount of emotional energy specifically for Mx, who is exploring a stricter level of dominance than They have in the past. W/we created this together, adapted together, and now most of these rules feel as natural as breathing for U/us both.
Protocol is important to U/us both. It feels like a tether – a tether from me to Them, from U/us to the dynamic. A day can be filled with vanilla activities, W/we can be lounging on the couch watching TV, pottering around a garden centre looking for ideas for the garden (it’s still a muddy weed patch, W/we’re best at browsing), or out for drinks with friends. But protocol, to some extent, is always there. As well as those early protocols about how i address Them, where i walk and opening doors, W/we now have the obvious capitalisation protocol where any pronoun that refers to me is lower case and any that refers to Them is capitalised. i roll and light cigarettes for Them when W/we’re together, and ask permission to use furniture or go to the toilet. And part of O/our bedtime routine is worship, where i worship whatever part of Mx’s body i am instructed to – usually Their feet.
Protocol breaches have usually been the most common reason i end up getting in trouble. Now all of this is second nature and that’s very rare, but when a new protocol is introduced it’s so easy to mess up without realising until it’s too late. In the early days W/we agreed a five strikes system before i would incur a punishment, because forgetting to say “Mx” every time i asked or answered a question was happening so much. Now i have the opposite problem – in some situations, like mixing with Mx’s family or colleagues, They prefer to reduce protocol down to a minimum and only keep the most subtle expressions of my submission. Can i remember not to say Mx every few seconds? Sometimes. Mostly. Until i have a drink.
i love protocol. i imagine that for people who don’t – whether that’s vanilla people or kinky people who just aren’t into it – it seems very formal and even unaffectionate. And it is formal – not extremely so, at least not for U/us, but there is an element of formality to it. But that doesn’t make it less affectionate or create a barrier to communication and intimacy. In fact, for me it deepens it, draws me closer, adds an electric charge to every small interaction. Protocol doesn’t stop U/us being silly with each other, doesn’t stop me being cheeky, doesn’t stop U/us having deep honest conversations about feelings, or even having conflict. It just underpins all that with a structure that reminds U/us of what W/we are creating together and who W/we are within it.
Appearance has been an interesting area to negotiate Mx’s control over. Because there’s an immediate and obvious assumption to be made – that Mx wants control of my appearance because They didn’t like or weren’t satisfied with where i started out. It conjures up images of Mx as a critical eye, noticing every flaw and with incredibly high standards. The truth is quite the opposite. Physical attraction is important to Mx – in a way that it really isn’t for me, i have always been driven purely by mental connection with the physical just as a fun bonus – but Their type is an incredibly broad spectrum and They have been very clear that i am what They like. No makeup, greasy hair, in pyjamas, at any weight – They’re into it. The rules controlling my appearance are about the control for control’s sake. They are about Mx having the ability to make me into whatever They choose. That’s the part that’s hot for U/us both. The objectification is a big part too – going sexy in the stereotypical sense isn’t about being hotter on some fixed scale of objective attractiveness, it’s about performing sexiness because i am a sex object and should behave like one.
W/we introduced a level of appearance control some time last year, but Mx didn’t really find Their feet with it for a little while. They liked the option of telling me what to wear, but rarely used it. They liked that i had to ask permission to cut my hair, get body modifications or cosmetic treatments, but had no strong opinion on what i did. Then W/we discovered bimbofication and W/we were off and running.
Appearance is the longest section in the rules, and along with diet and exercise rules it is the most time consuming for me to comply with. Hair must be clean and styled daily, there is a minimum makeup requirement and a higher minimum makeup requirement if i’m going outside, finger and toenails must be fully repainted every two weeks and any chips repaired as soon as possible, Mx picks my outfit most days and if They leave it up to me there are standards i must follow, then present for approval. Good hygiene is, of course, a must – but so are regular lip fillers, tanning sessions, and any other alterations to my appearance that Mx requires.
And i love it. i love the work that i put in, the feeling of purposeful direction and connection when i’m getting ready in the morning. i love seeing Mx’s vision in the dramatic changes. i love the skills i’m learning and re-learning, the slow spread of hair products across the bathroom and the perfumes and extensions gathering in the cabinets. i feel like a combination of art project and fleshlight and neither of those is a person so i’m in my happy, objectified place.
Diet and exercise is, in many ways, my domain. Mx’s role is to enforce the rules W/we agree but i know what works for my body. Both from my thirty five years of living with it, and my level of knowledge on nutrition and fitness being generally higher.
There’s still a rule that i must have at least one real meal each day, though now i’m more active and generally a more functional human that’s much less of an issue. But there’s also a rule around tracking calories and setting an appropriate limit depending on my goal at the time (whether losing, maintaining, or gaining), requirements to exercise regularly (as a minimum closing my rings on my Apple watch), and as a just for fun one, i have to ask Mx’s permission to order food and drink when W/we’re out.
So i know this is a section that will freak people out. Calorie counting is controversial anyway, and some of this stuff obviously borders on Mx controlling my weight which could get risky – both physically and psychologically. So here’s my view.
W/we don’t have a rule about weight. There is one in there about what my overall body shaping goal should be – a smaller, defined waist and a curvy butt. To achieve that, realistically there is a weight range i’ll need to be in. But Mx hasn’t set a number and neither have i. To achieve that i’ll need to lose some body fat initially, then gain some muscle, and potentially go through that cycle a few times to sculpt my body. Then work hard to maintain it. That feels healthy and positive to me – it’s not numbers based and will help me to stay active and eat a good balance of nutrition, it won’t be achievable if i’m eating chocolate for dinner even if the calories are right.
Spending the last year or so learning to love my body as it is, however it is, has been really important. But feeling like my chronic illness stole my fitness has fucking sucked. So has losing the ability to kneel for long periods because i have a skinny person’s knees supporting a mid-size persons weight and they’re complaining about it. There’s a balance here between being positive about myself but also being motivated into doing things that take good care of my body – and people can be healthy at any weight but a lot of my weight gain has not been healthy. It’s been a consequence of long term illness and getting into a rut because of fatigue.
The rules in this section are there to give structure and accountability to my own goals. And Mx has been clear – if i’m at risk of doing myself harm, these rules will change. i am not allowed to obsess over the scale, drop my calorie limit too low, or over-exercise to the point that it’s risky. And so far, it’s working!
Health and wellbeing follows on nicely from there, and it’s a simple but effective section of the rules. This covers taking my medication and making sure i don’t run out, limiting my smoking, and making time for my hobbies.
That last one is the hardest one to follow. i have a hobbies graveyard of supplies i bought for my new big thing and used for a week before moving on. i work hard, i have housework to do, cooking from scratch most days, pets to take care of, exercise to do… and yes, sometimes i like to sit on the couch and stare at Netflix for hours too. The hobbies rule is the only rule that isn’t punishable – but it’s there to provide a gentle encouragement to do the things i’m passionate about. This post counts! my blog isn’t monetized and will stop counting as a hobby if it ever is, but for now i’m logging some good quality hobby time.
Finances in kink are often assumed to only be relevant for financial domination – or findom for short – where a submissive makes financial tributes to a Dominant. i won’t say that idea doesn’t appeal to me because it’s hot in theory, but i just don’t earn enough money and i like buying things too much! But there are many, many other ways that financial control can exist in a D/s relationship.
In O/our case, that means that i am required to set a weekly budget, and must ask permission for any non-essential spending (unless i’m buying a gift for Mx – that would ruin the surprise!). i can give or lend money to friends without permission, but must tell Them if i do so that They can give me guidance if i am making bad decisions. Managing money is not my best skill, and having to ask before impulse purchasing does me so much good. Often i will talk myself out of it before i even get as far as asking – where left to my own devices i’d be tapping in my card number before my brain had caught up. It’s rare that They say no – but it’s both exciting and helpful knowing that They can.
Household tasks are probably the biggest cause of arguments in couples i know who live together, and W/we found one simple life hack that prevents all that drama – make me do it.
No that’s not really a solution for most people, i know, i know. But in all seriousness i do credit my preference for heavy domestic service in a dynamic for how easy the adjustment was to living with both Mx and before Them, with my ex. If my partner leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor (my ex) or scatters worn socks inexplicably around the living room (Mx)? No problem, it’s my job to tidy up and doing it for a Dominant feels amazing in a way that’s hard to explain. It’s not sexual – i don’t get turned on doing the laundry. It is, however, incredibly intimate. It makes me feel connected through my service – my usefulness. i feel valuable, and valued, when i make Mx’s life easier and better by taking on these tasks for Them. It’s an expression of Their power, that They can go through Their day generating laundry and washing up and rubbish, and i can go through mine washing and cleaning and tidying. It sharpens the divide between Their role and mine, and puts my brain straight into its happy place.
Even outside of kink – in some alternative reality where W/we were a vanilla couple – i suspect i’d do more than fifty percent. Housework feels soothing and therapeutic to me. There’s jobs i like less that in the Vanillaverse i’d maybe want to split – washing up and putting away the laundry would be the main ones. But doing the laundry, the cooking, deep cleaning the kitchen and bathroom – those are my thing and i’d be reluctant to share. Welcome to that weird little area where kink crosses over with tradwives. my place is in the kitchen but without the gender roles and with the addition of some really weird sex.
So, the rules cover my responsibilities in pretty general terms. If i’m told to keep the house clean i’ll do it, not look for loopholes or do the bare minimum – i like it, and i like to do it right. One of my responsibilities is making the meal plan and shopping list, which is another fun example of how an act can be either dominant or submissive depending on intent. Some Dominants choose what their submissive will eat or instruct them on what groceries to buy, where mine delegates that job to me to save Them having to think about it. Power in both cases, but put to different use.
Other rules W/we have that don’t really fit anywhere else are a rule that i must post on Tiktok at least three times a week. i really enjoy making videos, and i’m proud of the content i’ve made and the audience i’ve built, but i get horrible creative blocks and random patches of anxiety about posting sometimes. A day off becomes a week off becomes people asking if i’m ok in the comments because they haven’t seen me for months. So now i can take a break if i want one, i could quit tomorrow if i chose, but it must be intentional and i need to discuss it with Mx. i can’t just drift away and avoid it.
And of course, W/we have one of my favourites (and simultaneously most whinged about) – orgasm control. That could be a whole post on its own, i’ll try not to ramble. The actual rule is very simple – i need permission to have an orgasm independently of Mx. In practice, that means i don’t give myself orgasms. i don’t masturbate at all unless i’ve been instructed to edge myself. Could i ask to? Of course! Would They say yes? In most cases, no. That option is there for if Mx is ever seriously ill or going through some personal crisis and not up to sex or play, so that i can take matters into my own hands (haha) for a while. In normal circumstances Mx decides when i get to cum and is the one making it happen, and sometimes They can be quite generous and sometimes They can be extremely mean. That power, that whiplash from being taken from overwhelming, mind blowing pleasure to agonising teasing and denial, intensifies everything. It sharpens sensation and builds desire, turning me into a needy mess every time. They’re also really, really good at giving me orgasms. Better than i am, which i am still convinced is some kind of unhinged pussy witchcraft because i’ve had my entire life to figure out what works and within the first few weeks of O/our relationship They were doing things i thought were impossible.
Punishment is essential for me. It’s not essential for D/s – you could have all of these rules or even more without punishment being part of the dynamic, and there are people who do. But i need punishment to make the rules feel clear and real and solid. i need every action to have a consequence. i grew up with poor boundaries and unpredictable reactions to my behaviour, and my unqualified crack at psychology is that that’s why i crave good, consistent discipline now. Who knows. i could just be wired that way. For me to feel psychologically safe and happy it’s important for me to feel the presence of firm discipline and punishment is part of how W/we achieve that.
Punishment, like everything else, needs to be negotiated. It’s not supposed to be fun for either of U/us – “funishment” is a different thing and is the use of playful and enjoyable “punishments” when no one involved is really trying to correct the behaviour. W/we don’t do much of that because i’m not bratty in my submission style so it doesn’t fit, though i’m occasionally just a little cheeky to get a spanking. But punishment – real punishment – is serious business.
i can be punished for any infraction of the rules with the exception of the rule about making time for hobbies, and if W/we have agreed to suspend or relax certain rules during times of illness or high stress. Usually i crave more structure when stressed, not less, but certain things that take up time and energy like working out or going to the sunbeds might be too much, so the option is there.
Specific punishments are pre-agreed, to be used at Mx’s discretion. W/we discuss them regularly to make sure they are unpleasant enough to be a good deterrent (over time sometimes they can start feeling fun, because i’m a deranged little masochist who enjoys most forms of suffering as long as Mx is inflicting it) but not so awful that it’s going to feel traumatic and unbearable. Rejected punishments include a one or two day furniture ban (i found the degradation of it hot, and Mx got sad not having me to cuddle in the bed) and being forced to stand in the shed for one minute (i have severe arachnophobia and that was too far – i’d be imagining spiders in my hair all day).
O/our current batch are:
- No listening to music for a period of time
- No social media for a period of time
- Reduction in weekly cigarette allowance by up to twenty
- Eat a number of ice cubes
- Maintain a position silently and without use of my phone for a period of time
How long, how many, what position are all up to Mx, and are proportionate to how badly i screwed up. Realistically so far that’s meant they’ve been minimal – one ice cube (with my sensitive teeth that’s worse than it sounds i promise) is the standard. i don’t break rules on purpose or out of laziness – i break them because i forget or plan my time badly.
And it’s a lot – seeing it all written down like this or in the document Mx shares with me. It feels like a living history of U/us, reading over it. The old rules (or the ghost of old rules in new, rewritten ones) reminds me of those early cautious steps into O/our roles. The way they’ve grown on the page and embedded into my life, my routine, and almost into my reflexes is a mirror to how O/our relationship has deepened. An expression of my love for Mx and Theirs for me. A reflection of O/our developing kink identities and the way each of U/us influences and inspires the other. Where some may see restriction and narrowing freedoms i see depth, i see devotion, i see safety and comfort and trust. Rules, protocol, discipline – these are the things that wrap themselves around me and feel not like a loss, not like something taken – they feel like home.
kirizal talks kink 