Exposed

Mx is visibly terrified in the car. i’d always thought “going pale” was just a hyperbolic expression but no, They’re definitely a different colour. Their hands grip the steering wheel tight.

“Relax,” i say. “There’s no pressure. W/we’ll go, see some pals, eat some cake. Maybe watch some play. You don’t have to hit me if You don’t want to.”

“I always want to hit you.” They laugh unconvincingly. “Just a bit nervous.”

It’s November 2023 and it’s O/our first time going to a play event. In my last relationship i hosted regular private play parties in my flat, i’ve had threesomes, foursomes, and one particularly sticky orgy during a July heatwave with nine bodies piled onto a small double bed. Thought i might die, but it was fun. So this doesn’t feel a million miles out of my comfort zone – but i’m nervous too. An audience including friends, acquaintances and some total strangers is very different to my vetted guest lists of close friends only. But Mx? Mx has never done anything that wasn’t completely one on one. This is a lot.

They’ve packed an optimistic bag with a nice selection of hitty things. W/we’ve reviewed the rules over and over again to make sure W/we don’t make a terrible first impression turning up with something dodgy. i’m wearing nice matching underwear and i’ve shaved the bits i shave and the plan is to show all of that off but i’m expecting that Mx is probably going to put the bag in a locker and leave it there – and that’s fine too. Today’s challenge is just to show up – the rest will come.

There’s a common piece of advice given to new people to the kink community: play in public first. Your first time doing kink – and often first times with new partners for some time after – should be at a play event. More generally, not just for newbies, not being willing to play in public is often said to be a red flag, and more than once i’ve encountered people who will consider someone to still be a “newbie” if they haven’t played publicly – even if that person has been doing kinky things behind closed doors for years.

That’s not how things played out for me, or for Mx – and it’s not how i see it. Mx has been exploring kink in Their relationships for most of Their adult life, and didn’t even attend Their first munch (social meet ups for kinky people) until They came with me. As for me, when i first started exploring kink i was nowhere near ready to be around strangers.

i was 31 and i’d just gone through a horrible, messy breakup with a situationship that had headfucked me beyond belief. In the aftermath i wanted distractions – in the form of lots of casual sex – but i also wanted to figure out why i’d lost my goddamn mind over an emotionally unavailable mediocre man i’d been on a handful of dates with. The answer was masochism. He’d never hit me – barely touched me – but he played mind games that tugged at old insecurities, made me chase and beg for attention, gave, withdrew, degraded me for my messy desperation and then disappeared again while i cried it out. He’d taken full control over what our entanglement was, could be, and the pace at which it moved – and for the first time in my life i’d fully surrendered to that. Submitted to it, in fact. In hurting me and forcing me to give up my agency he had given me a taste of something – incredibly unethically and unpleasantly – that had been missing in every previous relationship. i needed that but consensual.

So my first explorations of those needs were scary, vulnerable, and came with an acute awareness that my desire to be controlled and hurt made me an easy target for abuse – because if that situation had continued that’s absolutely what it was on track to become. The first person i chose to do a “proper” kink scene with was someone who, at the time, i’d been friends with for around six years. It happened at my flat, where i felt comfortable, with no one watching. No one to worry about making a fool of myself in front of, no humiliating audience to see if i found out thirty seconds in that i was very vanilla, actually. No noise or interruptions during aftercare which i needed in the early days more than ever. Privacy, comfort, and someone i felt safe around.

i grew in confidence quickly. At the time i was active on a lot of dating and hookup apps, and was very used to treating them much like Uber Eats. If i was in the mood for something fast, dirty and not particularly good for me then i could always order in – and i did. So looking for kinky play partners naturally became part of my existing routine. i updated my profiles to make it clear i was looking for something spicier than rough sex. i asked the questions i felt i needed to to vet people to my satisfaction and met them at my place or at theirs. During this period was the first time i played with Mx, in fact – though They took more conversation than an Uber Eats order, for sure. Shortly after that, i met my ex (also through an app, naturally) and my slut era wound down into two years of near monogamy.

And in all that time i never played at an event. Why? Well, lots of reasons. i lacked the confidence at first. Then it was a logistical challenge – i don’t drive, and the nearest venue to me at the time would have been around ninety minutes and two buses each way. And throughout, i had no one to go with, which remained the biggest barrier until my relationship with Mx changed that. That first person i played with wasn’t going to events that soon after the Covid lockdowns ended, the people i played with from the apps were total strangers, and my ex partner didn’t want to go for her own personal reasons. So, i played at home. i played at parties. i did my kinky, unhinged shit in my own way with my own choices of people – some good choices, some bad choices. All my choices. Not once did a person have access to my body – even visual access – without my explicit consent. i don’t think that’s a bad thing.

But, i felt something was missing from my kink experience. Not that i was still a newbie or inexperienced in any meaningful way – in November 2023 i had a little over two years experience and had done almost everything i had ever fantasised about. Still no gangbang (Mx says They’re “not good enough at making friends” for that yet – a work in progress) or giant hogweed chemical play (Mx says “absolutely fucking not, what is wrong with you?”). But, you know, not bad going. i’d spent most of that time in a very heavy M/s (Mistress/slave) dynamic with my ex. While two years kink experience for some people might condense down to a few tens of hours actual playtime i’d gone full immersion. But i’d learned that i had an exhibitionist side and i wanted to explore it more. i wanted closer friendships in the kink community. i wanted to see other people play – because it’s hot, and to shamelessly borrow their ideas the way i’d already taken to borrowing Mx’s pyjamas. As often happens to me in kink, once i do all i can find to do in one area, my brain starts asking “what’s next?”. And this was what was next – a play event.

W/we get to the event – in a venue i won’t name in a small town i won’t name either. It’s a bit like fight club that way, sorry! W/we get a tour and immediately forget how to find half the rooms W/we’ve been shown – like most venues of that nature it’s a maze of creatively used space that only starts making sense when you’ve been going for months. W/we find cake – and even better, cheese – and make nervous conversation with a few people before Mx puts Their hand on my lower back.

“Let’s check out the dungeon,” They say.

They have me strip down to my underwear – i was right to make sure it matched – and bend over a spanking bench. W/we’ve not done things by halves – the room They picked is a shared space with plenty of other spots to play and someone’s already getting flogged on a massage table across the room. i’m positioned facing the door, and when my head hangs down my only view is of feet as they come and go from the doorway, or pause to watch. Anonymous but ever present.

The beating is lovely, not the hardest They’ve been on me – this isn’t the kind of event where doing the meanest thing you can think of is typically encouraged – but definitely not a light one either. i’m vocal, expertly led by Them through screams, sobs, moans and giggles, and when They stop to check in love-drunk murmurs of “i’m Yours”. The feet in the doorway multiply, whisper to each other, leave and arrive. They might as well not be here as i’m floating off in space but still, it adds something that they are.

Mx undoes my cuffs, steadies me as i dress, and leads me to the smoking area. These days usually all i need for aftercare is a cigarette and a sit down – but cuddles are always nice, and They have an endless supply of those too.

It happened then. It happened at the right time for me, for Them, for U/us. W/we love public play and have done ever since – Mx still gets more nervous than i do, but never again to that point of terror and rarely enough to impact (haha) O/our plans. It took me over two years to get there, it took Them twenty, and there are fabulously kinky people i know who are unlikely to ever want that experience. Maybe they’ve had bad experiences at a kink or swinging venue before (plenty have, which makes me very skeptical about the argument that public play is inherently safer). Maybe their kink is intimate in a private way and not something they want to share. Maybe they’re a young woman who just joined fetlife and has already received an inbox full of penises and thought “nah, i’m not giving these weirdos a free show”. Maybe they don’t enjoy being watched or watching. Maybe they’re don’t want to spend the money or the time. Maybe they have one very specific kink and it’s not allowed at any venues they can access. And all of that is fine.

Because i’ll recommend events of all kinds to anyone new to kink with the understanding that this is a buffet where you get to take what you want and leave the rest. Your first time – and your second, your third, your three hundred and twenty fourth – is yours to share with as few or as many people as you wish. Your right to consent – or not consent – is absolute. You are not less than or more than for doing kink this way, that way, or the other way.

So what about safety?

Because yeah, summoning a stranger from the internet and asking them to beat you up in your home is not safe. Unfortunately, neither is asking them to beat you up at a kink event – there are (or should be) people around to step in if it goes wrong but by that point most likely the bad thing has already happened, or at least partly happened. And in all those fun tucked away rooms – especially if an event isn’t well run – a hell of a lot can happen without anyone to stop or even witness it. Even more unfortunately, this isn’t just about strangers. Most abusive relationships don’t start with a major consent violation on the first hookup – they start with someone nice, charismatic, caring, who flips on you once you’re on the hook – and far enough in to feel completely safe taking them home. Safety is complicated and there is no one best way to protect yourself from consent violations, unsafe kink practices or just plain shitty behaviour. i’d be the first to spout it as unsolicited advice if there was – wouldn’t that be great? But until that magical solution presents itself all any of us can do is our best – to vet our partners and events, to put the safety features in place that work for us, and to stay connected to people who can help.

Because when i invited people into my home to play with, i organised a safety call with a trusted friend to make sure they’d left when expected and i was ok. When i found myself being driven insane by that man who’d worked his way into my brain, i had people i could talk to about how i was feeling. When that “friend” of six years that i first played with started to show signs that they weren’t as knowledgeable or safe as i’d thought, i spoke to experienced kinksters to check if i was right to be worried. Those connections are what keep me in one piece despite my main hobby being getting damaged for fun.

i don’t think coerced exposure – which is, frankly, what that “advice” often becomes – is a good solution. If someone had told me the best way to lose my virginity would be at a swingers club i’d have thought they were utterly deranged. There’s nothing wrong with that if you wanna do it then awesome, have fun, it’ll at least be more interesting than my awkward teenage fumble was. But it’s not the standard and nor should it be. Our most intimate moments of self discovery should happen on our own terms, in the place of our choosing with the person or people we choose to have present. For most people that’s going to be private. Kink is not sex but there’s no other experience that’s a closer comparison – it’s intimate, intense, and when it’s new it feels very daunting. Wanting to keep that private shouldn’t carry a stigma.

Public play is one of the great joys in my kinky life – and i am so glad, and proud, that my first time was on my terms, with my partner, and when i was ready. It is an experience i will never forget for all the right reasons. i am glad i didn’t cave to pressure to do it earlier than was right for me and for the relationship i was in at the time. i’m happy that my ex partner was able to hold her boundaries regardless of others’ opinions. i’m excited for how i will play in future – with new kinks and O/our routine favourites, with my partner or – if They choose – with others, in O/our local venue or travelling far and wide. And i always hope, when i see others play, that they feel the same. No one owes me their vulnerability and their intimate moments – that access is a gift. We are all on our own journeys, and the beauty is so often in their uniqueness.