i outgrew Christmas around the time i outgrew Christ.
Let’s clarify – i’m not anti faith, i have a faith now, actually. It’s not the one i was raised with but it’s important in just the same way my parents’ faith is to them. i’m not even anti religion – organised religion can become corrupt, controlling and messy but it can also be a source of community and a force for good. People are complicated, our institutions even more so.
But growing up in the church was not good for me. It’s not a good fit for my values, my personality or – as i grew older and developed my own ideas and own spirituality – for my beliefs. i read the Bible cover to cover around age 12, and by the time i was done with it, i was done with it. And in a home where Christmas was very much a religious holiday – with imagery of Santa, reindeer, fairies, elves or any other non-Christian creatures strictly banished – it became a very tense time of year. My refusal to attend church became a bigger deal than it already was (and oh, it was). Happier memories of the excitement of Christmas when i was a small child became tainted by my growing understanding of several things that were deeply, deeply wrong about my childhood. That doesn’t mean every day was relentless misery – because it wasn’t, and that’s what made disentangling my trauma and shame so complicated and messy over the years that followed. But the rose tinted glasses came fully off as the damage i was living with became more apparent.
When i moved into my own place age nineteen i had no intention of ever celebrating Christmas again. And then i got married, and compromised – as you do. me and my ex-wife kept things low-key, in a small cluttered flat it made sense not to decorate, the kitchen was not functional enough for us to make a big traditional dinner when we spent Christmas at home, and exchanging gifts was nice – i didn’t object to that.
Sometimes we spent it with their family, which was much more comfortable than spending it with mine although not necessarily drama free. Is any family? There was a running joke between us that me, them, and their sister “ruined” three family Christmases in a row by coming out as trans one after another always in the run up to the festive season, causing not necessarily a hostile response – but certainly a baffled one each time.
After we separated it became very easy to not-Christmas. i spent a couple of Christmases with my NA sponsor while i was in the program – he was worried that even though Christmas wasn’t important to me, being alone when everyone i knew was with family or loved ones could be a relapse trigger, and that first year at least he may well have been right. i went to a couple of “queer Christmas” dinners with friends held on New Year’s day, too. i like being fed and spending time with the people closest to me. i wasn’t a full on grinch but i never really felt i was “doing Christmas.” i was just turning up, eating, and if i spent Christmas day alone in my flat eating takeaway pizza that was just fine with me. It never felt important or exciting in a way more than a meal with friends normally would.
Mx loves Christmas. i think They tried to downplay it a bit when W/we first started dating in November last year because i’d given very noncommittal answers about my feelings about the whole festive thing – but it was pretty obvious. Various Christmassy items existed in Their house year round, and They’d mentioned crates of decorations in the loft – although They actually skipped decorating entirely that year because every weekend in the run up to Christmas was spent doing things with me. And doing me, obviously. W/we were busy.
But it made me want to try. it made me realise lots of people are celebrating Christmas as an entirely secular holiday centred around things i do like very much – food, gifts, quality time with people they love, glitter and pretty lights. It’s obviously not a holiday exclusively about family arguments, going to church, and a classy red and gold colour scheme with warm white lights and no multicoloured tacky junk. It’s customisable. i should know that – i’ve seen how others do it but also that’s the approach i take to life. my relationships aren’t modelled on the options i was presented as a child – heterosexuality and monogamy are not mandatory, kink is an option, and healthy communication is an acquired skill. If i can build a life that makes me happy rather than living for the expectations of others, can i learn to apply that to Christmas?
Christmas 2023 was a bit of a strange one. i was living with my ex – a situation made much less stressful than it sounds by the combination of the facts that i was barely ever there, she was barely ever off her computer, and that we actually get on pretty great as friends. Much more so now that we don’t live together – i’ll always advocate for being friends with exes, i think it’s healthy and a big green flag, but i recommend against being flatmates with one if you can avoid it. The occasional wet towel on the floor is a much bigger deal when the person who left it there also recently dumped you. So things were ok at home, but it was undoubtedly a different vibe than a completely solo Christmas. But, me and Mx had only been together a month – They did contemplate taking me along to family Christmas but ultimately decided (They now say, stupidly, i still think it was the right decision) that it was too soon and would be a bit weird.
So O/our first Christmas as a couple would be spent apart – i’d come to Them on Boxing Day and stay for a good long visit through into the new year, but when They drove me home on Christmas Eve They looked utterly miserable and were very quiet. i probably didn’t help matters – i was introducing Them to Taylor Swift one era at a time and W/we had just reached folklore. Feeling a bit low? Here’s exile. Now You’re really depressed.
If you’ve read my recent anniversary blog post, you know how this ends. After much agonising about whether it’d be cute or massively invasive, i turned up at Their door just before midnight, only fifteen minutes after They’d got home from Their full day tour of family Christmas. It was cute. i texted from outside “do You like surprises?” fully intending to book myself another uber home immediately if They said no. They said yes, i knocked, and They opened the door clearly not having caught on to what was happening, frowning and ready for some confrontation with a neighbour or some emergency to deal with. Then came the dramatic double take where They almost fell over onto the stairs. And They were happy to see me – really, visibly, overjoyed. They hugged me like They never wanted to let go.
W/we spent about half an hour of that Christmas day together, and it was the best Christmas of my life. That’s the feeling i will associate with Christmas now. Being loved, being wanted, after feeling like i might be too much or too annoying or have misread the vibe entirely being so welcomed and having space made for me in Their world. The way They have always treated me but that night i started to really, fully believe. Secure attachment – it’s a Christmas miracle!
This year, though, the holiday period is all O/ours. W/we talked about seeing Their family – and W/we will, during the season, but O/our first proper Christmas as a couple will be just for U/us. i’m going to learn how to cook a Christmas dinner – i’m a very good cook but was raised vegetarian and spent the last 14 years living in a flat without a working oven so my skills are mainly things i can make in a big pot or a slow cooker. i don’t know how to begin cooking a whole fucking bird. It’ll be interesting! And, of course, W/we decorated.
“i want a giant inflatable in the garden,” i said. “A ridiculous one. At least 12 feet tall.”
“Ok,” They said. “Do you have thoughts on a colour scheme?”
Growing up, there was always a colour scheme. A sensible grownup one. The only thing i was sure of was i didn’t want that. i remembered looking longingly at multicoloured lights, neon baubles and glittery animals. That’s what i want. Chaos. And They were fully on board.
The inflatable creature in the garden is 7 feet, because i can be reasonable. There are 55 metres of multicoloured lights draped across the living room ceiling (“if the room is 5 x 5 metres, they’ll go around 100 times!” i said, “no,” said Mx. “10 times?” “No, about 2 and a half times.”). There are glittery reindeer and colourful baubles and dinosaurs, penguins, and dragons. Everything that can be lit up is lit up. It’s excessive and it’s fun and W/we used almost everything in Their boxes and bought almost as much again.
They took me around shop after shop and said yes to everything i suggested. Well, almost – W/we have a santa doorstop i call the Christmas Gnome who yells HO HO HO whenever anyone walks past (including the baffled cats), and a musical unicorn, and that is the limit on decorations that make noises. Because i am the kind of person who will set them all off at once, and Mx is the kind of person who walks into the kitchen and is greeted by the Christmas Gnome HOHOHOing, me HOHOHOing in response, and grimaces. But nothing was too tacky, too silly, too out of place. W/we got it all.
W/we decorated together, and sat in sweaty, out of breath peace when the work was done taking in the glorious chaos W/we’d created in O/our home. Christmas doesn’t have to be anything it’s been before – it can be a new kind of magic for a new era, for the first Christmas W/we’ll have all for U/us.
kirizal talks kink 