People sometimes ask what the most extreme or dangerous kinks i have are. i’m known for playing pretty hard and definitely a lot of what i enjoy has physical or psychological risks and pushes me to the edge of what i can take. So is it the blood play, the burning? Is it the trauma play – intentionally being triggered into dissociation and anxiety attack for fun? My answer, compared to those, might be surprising.
i consider orgasm control and denial to be the highest risk kink that i have.
i never had any trouble reaching orgasm on my own. My early exploration of my body took a little while, as it does, but once i figured out how everything worked down there i was my own dependable orgasm dispenser. i assumed when i started having sex that it would just happen – and then, it didn’t. It didn’t with my first few teenage relationships. It did – a couple of times – in a relationship in my twenties, and then abruptly stopped again for about a decade.
And when i say it didn’t happen, i don’t mean i dated shitty selfish partners who didn’t try or didn’t communicate. There have been a few of them along the way – along with general inexperience from those early partners. But they could also do everything physically right and fail. Toys didn’t help. Doing it myself didn’t even help – alone, hell yeah, but with an audience? Not happening. Things felt good, and in time i learned to be satisfied by sex in other ways. This was the pre-kink era so i didn’t really understand what it was that i was getting from those experiences – but in hindsight my kink for being used, being useful, and being an object for my partners’ pleasure was being activated by the orgasm gap. It’s not my preferred way to do it – not being allowed to cum is much more fun than not being able to. But it worked, sort of.
But i wasn’t happy about it. It didn’t feel right. i thought i was broken. i wondered if there was something physically wrong with me, but the block of not even being able to successfully masturbate in front of a partner suggested it was at least mostly a brain issue. And i had plenty of those – in my twenties the orgasm block wasn’t exactly a priority compared to the suicidal thoughts, the debilitating anxiety, or the drug addiction. From age 26 onwards i pretty much gave up and – aside from a one off hookup when i was 28 to celebrate my first year of recovery from addiction – i didn’t have sex again until i was 31.
The problem did not magically disappear when i embraced my kink identity. i emerged from my near-celibacy immediately into an aggressively slutty phase, indiscriminately hooking up with pretty much anyone that i didn’t think was going to murder me. i was notorious for disappearing on nights out into someone’s car or hotel room and returning, buying another drink, and immediately opening the apps back up to find round two. Quantity wasn’t an issue but quality was variable. But, among a lot of vanilla hookups, i was starting to seriously explore kink. i was connecting on a deeper level – not generally a romantic one, but showing who i really was and expressing my deepest desires to people for the first time. So, very occasionally, i could orgasm. The barrier of shame and self loathing broke down with every time i dropped my kink list into a chat and said, what about you?
Being able to orgasm reliably came (haha) in my last relationship, it still wasn’t always easy and did usually require some battery powered assistance, but i started to lose the fear that it just wouldn’t happen. And in my current relationship it’s a complete non-issue, there’s been a single failed attempt in the last year and a perfect success rate aside from that. My partner has made me cum with toys, Their hands, Their mouth, Their thigh, Their cock and once just through cunt slapping. That’s pretty fucking awesome, and the credit goes in part to Their skill, in part to the level of comfort and trust W/we have, and in part – hey, credit where it’s due – to the work my ex did with me to help me understand the mental block and start taking it down. i think everyone who’s not a lifelong monogamist will owe some of their understanding of their body and needs to the people they explored them with before.
You may be wondering when i’ll get to the point. It’s coming. i’m not, though – it’s been ten days now and i’m sleep deprived and a mess. i’ve got orgasm control on the brain, so let’s get into it.
The rules in my relationship with my partner are that i can only have an orgasm if They give me one, or if i request permission to have one independently of Them. What that means, in practice, is that i don’t masturbate. That option is there mainly for if my partner is sick for a long period or going through some kind of personal crisis, it’s the emergency escape hatch so i don’t potentially get locked into months of going without.
i’m not sure how likely They would be to say yes if i asked on just a random Tuesday because i was horny or bored. They’re a Sadist so my hunch is that’d be a strong no – but i’ve never tried for two reasons. One – i know it’s better if i wait. They are better at it than i am, somehow. i suspect witchcraft. Two – i want Them to have that control. i don’t want asking first to just be a formality, i want my orgasms to be completely Theirs just as i am. Even when i’m the one having an orgasm, Their pleasure comes first.
So where’s the risk? With how good O/our communication is, there’s not much risk of me feeling neglected and my needs not met. If i feel the gaps between orgasms are too challenging i can give feedback – W/we can adjust rules if needed, i could actually use that asking for permission option. And as things stand i am very happy with how things are.
These rules are not very different than the rules i followed in my previous relationship though – and that’s why i know it’s risky. The risk is that a dynamic with orgasm control can end. That i can spend months or years being trained and conditioned to see my orgasms as belonging to someone who is not me, forbidden to touch myself, never orgasming alone, and then suddenly needing to relearn how to do that.
Not physically relearn. That’s bits kinda like riding a bike. But the mental block that plagued me for years came back aggressively when that relationship ended, except now the problem was when i was alone. The first time i did it, i had no trouble. And then i felt sick. i felt like i’d done something wrong – not in a fun, shame is hot, punish me i’ve been so naughty way. i felt like i’d violated my own values.
From then on, for weeks, it was unreliable. It’d take so long i’d give up and fall asleep, or it’d happen but barely, like my body was resisting it and trying to shut down the feelings. With the help of a ridiculously huge mains powered monster of a wand, one of my hookups dragged a decent one out of me. Meeting Mx was a big part of things getting better – before They ever made me cum (O/our early meets were more straightforward impact than sexual play) They inspired me to want to. A lot. So i stubbornly worked at the problem to recondition myself and i got there.
i got off (haha) easy. Since then i have heard of other people in that situation who just couldn’t. Sometimes for months. Especially if the way they practice orgasm control has included finishing on command, when the Dominant is no longer there to do it everything can shut down. If orgasm was only allowed in the Dominant’s presence, some people find they can’t reach that point without thinking about the Dominant – who is now a recent ex, which isn’t great either.
So maybe getting third degree burns for fun is risky (it is – approach with caution), and maybe playing with my triggers like they’re kink toys is asking for trouble (not one i poked at until i was very, very stable). But for me, letting a person into my head to play games with my ability to orgasm is the risk i am most conscious and afraid of. i know exactly what it’s like when it goes wrong, and i am terrified of going back to the miserable, unsatisfied years. It’s probably the most heavily negotiated part of O/our dynamic. It’s the thing i have given most feedback on – not just in a needy please give me more orgasms way, but real talks about where i feel psychologically at risk if W/we don’t tread carefully. i lost the desire to orgasm independently of Mx around the time W/we started dating, but i didn’t hand Them formal control of it until months later.
But still, i do it. i crave it. i need it. And i’ll fuss and whine and walk around without underwear (arriving in the kitchen in the morning, striking a pose, announcing “Big Hoodie No Pants!” to make sure They know). But the truth is i love the wait. The constant ache, the sleepless nights, the fear when They touch me that They might just stop at the worst possible moment. The pleasure, the release, the relief. The slow build again when They grin and say – “you’re feral already, pig?”. There are risks, yes – but they are so, so worth the rewards.
kirizal talks kink 